


--> Prince of Space: make poor life decisions

by FaustianAspirant



Category: Homestuck, Supernatural
Genre: Gen, Homestuck fusion, M/M, Pesterlog
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 07:28:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,639
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/607331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaustianAspirant/pseuds/FaustianAspirant
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sam and Gabriel find themselves in what no way resembles a multi-dimensional, trans-temporal, extra-terrestrial romantic comedy. In other news, the world just ended.</p>
            </blockquote>





	--> Prince of Space: make poor life decisions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BurningFairytales](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BurningFairytales/gifts).



Land of Blood and Spires

Your name is SAM WINCHESTER, and this has skirted way past the volatile bounds of funny, and straight into the territory of the totally freaking uncool.

apollyonUnbound [AU] started pestering torricellisTrumpet [TT].

AU: All right, you psychotic, omnicidal trolldouche.  
AU: I am going to say this once. And only once.  
AU: And then I am going to laboriously and repeatedly block the ever-loving shit out of you, before throwing my laptop into the deepest, grimiest ditch I can find in this reeking swampland.  
AU: And, furthermore.  
AU: I will enjoy it.  
AU: …  
AU: Are you even listening??   
TT: (1) okay, so that’s real cute and all but  
AU: STOP KILLING MY BROTHER, DICKWAD.  
TT: (1) i think you are kinda missing the point of this whole cautionary gig  
TT: (1) you are being sort of dense, sam  
TT: (1) if you stopped being so dense  
TT: (1) i would be happy to stop killing your brother   
AU: I so do not have time for this.   
TT: (1) huh  
TT: (1) okay, i see  
TT: (1) y’know, i think i’m beginning to get a bit of a feel for your priorities, kid  
TT: (1) and lemme tell ya…  
AU: Yes, by all means.  
AU: Please do tell me.  
AU: Incessantly.  
AU: And at length.   
TT: (0) …  
TT: (1) they are freaking WEIRD  
AU: Wow. Shocker.   
TT: (1) yeah, well  
TT: (1) basically, what you are telling me  
TT: (1) is that you are willing to devote stupid amounts of energy and brainspace to irrevocably screwing over me and my friends  
TT: (2) but you “so do not have the time” to actually LISTEN to the one guy who might just be able to lend a hand in hauling your gross human head out of your marginally attractive human ass?   
AU: Lend a hand?  
AU: Exactly how’ve you been helping me here?  
AU: Against all better judgment, I ask this genuinely.   
TT: (1) hey, you think this has been all sunshine and waffles for ME?  
TT: (1) watching your idiot brother blithely skip his way towards grisly devastation  
TT: (1) ad freakin’ infinitum  
TT: (1) only to have your gal friday pick up the temporal slack for the umpteen hundredth time to persuade him NOT to stick his head in that meat grinder?  
TT: (1) or whatever it was this time  
TT: (1) hey sam, what was it this time?   
AU: Uh.  
AU: Charlie says, antique mini-fridge to the solar plexus?  
AU: I don’t even want to know, dude.  
AU: What I want to know is what the hell you think you’re trying to achieve here.  
TT: (1) yeah well, at any rate, this stopped being fun round about the twentieth time doomed alternate you broke down into ugly squalling tears at the sight of his brother pulverised into kibble  
TT: (1) there are only so many times a guy stand to watch another guy cradle a third guy’s mutilated corpse to his oversized chest in a fit of fraternal anguish  
TT: (1) before even that gets old  
AU: Wow.  
AU: Sorry to hear my alt-reality grief just isn’t doing it for you anymore.  
TT: (1) aaaaand there you go again  
TT: (1) assuming this is some kind of kinky sadovoyeuristic exercise on my part  
TT: (1) newsflash, knucklehead: your pain is not exciting, sexually or otherwise  
AU: And yet, here we are.  
AU: You, still with the multidimensional fratricide.  
AU: Me, still with the telling you not to do that.  
AU: Or, not actually fratricide, just regular-grade homicide, I guess.  
AU: Damn, why is there no polysyllabic equivalent for when it’s someone else’s brother you’re murdering?   
TT: (message incomplete) oh for the love of  
TT: (1) YOU DOOMED MY UNIVERSE  
TT: (1) YOU AND YOUR EARTH HUMAN “BUDDIES” OBLITERATED OUR CHANCES OF EVER HOPPING OFF THIS HUNK OF ROCK ALIVE  
TT: (1) THIS ISN’T SPORT  
TT: (1) IT’S DIVINE RETRIBUTION  
AU: So, what, all the Dean deaths – they’re meant to be some kind of punishment?  
AU: Every time you persuade him into doing something suicidally idiotic, or get bored and drop a boulder on his head,  
AU: That’s you taking revenge for something we’re supposed to have done?  
TT: (2) not ‘done’  
TT: (2) more like ‘will do’  
TT: (1) in the future   
AU: Wait, so you’re punishing us for something we haven’t even got round to doing yet?  
AU: Dude, that’s like the most ineffectual form of negative reinforcement, ever.  
TT: (1) see, this just goes to show exactly how little of a clue you possess, sam  
TT: (1) i’m actually kinda surprised you don’t get it  
AU: Enlighten me, then.   
TT: (1) the point isn’t to stop you from doing it again  
TT: (1) no, it is WAY too late for that, from basically every single temporal standpoint  
TT: (1) the point is to make your life as much of a living hell as i possibly can  
TT: (1) so that everyone can enjoy a little catharsis before they die  
AU: No offence, but so far, you’ve been making a pretty crappy job of it.  
AU: Seems to me like all you’re doing is making Charlie’s life hell. I’m just collateral.   
TT: (1) okay, seriously, don’t flatter yourself, kid  
TT: (1) when i said ‘you’, i meant you PLURAL  
TT: (2) as in, ‘i hate every single last one of you gormless dweebs, and would happily watch you all plummet off a cliff and die’  
TT: (1) so far, you’re just the only one who’s bothered to stick around and chat  
TT: (?) for reasons i’ve yet to figure  
AU: Yeah, well. Don’t strain yourself too hard trying to work it out.  
AU: I might have stated this before.  
AU: But I’m blocking you after this.   
TT: (1) a move which is about as futile as it is antisocial, for the record  
AU: Screw that, I’m blocking you now.   
TT: (1) do you, like, even read a single word i type??   
apollyonUnbound [AU] has blocked torricellisTrumpet [TT].

TT: (message failed) EVIDENTLY NOT

\-->

torricellisTrumpet [TT] says unto apollyonUnbound [AU]!

TT: (1) sam  
TT: (1) hey sam  
TT: (1) SAMMY  
TT: (1) holy frickin avoidance strategies sam  
TT: (1) sam  
TT: (1) answer your computer sam  
TT: (1) come on it is MAKING INCOMING MESSAGE-EY BLEEPING NOISES RIGHT AT YOU  
TT: (1) i am literally WATCHING YOU DECIDE TO IGNORE MY MESSAGE  
TT: (1) FOR THE LAST TIME  
TT: (1) YOU CANNOT BLOCK ME  
TT: (1) ALSO  
TT: (1) I CAN SEE YOU  
TT: (1) sam  
TT: (1) sam answer your messages sam  
TT: (1) sam you are killing me here  
TT: (0) …  
TT: (1) okay fine you’re not gonna listen  
TT: (1) i guess i’ll just  
TT: (1) say my piece  
TT: (1) and wait for you to break down and read it  
TT: (1) and immediately realize what a judgemental dick you were being this whole time  
TT: (1) and finally get back to me  
TT: (1) offering your immediate and unconditional support plus possible sexual favours as an apology  
TT: (0) …  
TT: (1) okay no  
TT: (1) we’re gonna try this one more time  
TT: (1) SAM  
TT: (1) I HAVE SOMETHING REALLY FREAKING IMPORTANT TO SAY  
TT: (1) SO IT WOULD BE JUST GREAT IF YOU GALUMPHED YOUR GARGANTUAN WAY OVER HERE  
TT: (1) AND ASSURED ME THAT YOU’RE HANGING UPON MY EVERY WORD WITH BATED BREATH  
TT: (1) I WAS JOKING ABOUT THE SEXUAL FAVOURS SAM  
TT: (1) I WAS NOT JOKING ABOUT THE PART WHERE I TOLD YOU TO DROP EVERYTHING LISTEN THE HELL UP  
TT: (1) look, kid  
TT: (1) upshot is, i’ve been talking this trans-temporal trolling shtick over with cas and anna  
TT: (1) that’s thursdaysChild and heavenlyMuse to you  
TT: (1) and they think that we  
TT: (1) might have been a tad premature in deciding you were all hapless dunderfucks whose only purpose was to provide us with some semblance of amusement before our swift and grisly demise?  
TT: (1) and that  
TT: (1) actually  
TT: (1) what we ought to be doing is 

apollyonUnbound [AU] started pestering torricellisTrumpet [TT]!  
AU: Finally getting off our backs?  
AU: Disappearing into the obscure pocket of paradox space you came from?  
TT: (!) … helping you  
AU: Helping us.  
TT: (1) that is basically exactly what i said, ain’t it?  
TT: (1) yes sam  
TT: (1) helping you  
TT: (1) thanks for finally bothering to make an appearance, btw  
TT: (1) your commitment to this newfound partnership is noted and appreciated  
AU: Partnership?  
TT: (1) would you stop just repeating various keywords??   
AU: What, okay, no.  
AU: What could possibly make you think that I’ll accept your ‘help’?  
AU: Maybe this might have slipped your mind.  
AU: But you tried to kill my brother!   
TT: (1) and when did it ever STICK?  
AU: So not the point.   
TT: (1) look, you might not have twigged yet  
TT: (1) but every single one of your friends has at least one angel or demon focussed on mitigating the full onslaught of their incompetence  
TT: (666) i’m just calling dibs on the remaining kid before lucifer or ruby gets in there before me   
AU: Wait, what.   
TT: (1) for instance  
TT: (1) slaughterhouseSixtyseven is more or less definitively property of castiel   
AU: Excuse me?   
TT: (1) though mikey’s been looking a little leery of that recently  
TT: (1) anna’s put claims on jukeboxOccultist  
TT: (1) and i’m not inclined to mess with that particular matchup  
AU: This is not happening.   
TT: (1) and finally, i’m not sure whether menageaDouze is trying to offer essential game advice to naturalTwenty or angling after an awkward online hookup  
TT: (1) but either way he’s not inclined to share   
AU: Wait, ‘he’?  
AU: Um. Tell him good luck with that.  
TT: (0) …?  
AU: Charlie doesn’t exactly play for his team.  
AU: Or, wait, maybe it’s his team she does play for, and that’s the problem.  
AU: How exactly does the team-playing metaphor work again?  
AU: My point is this is not his ballgame on so many levels, and I am doing a wholly crappy job of explaining this.  
AU: MOVING ON.  
TT: (1) OH wait i get it  
TT: (1) this is about the arbitrary gender requirements built into your primitive human notions of romance, isn’t it  
TT: (1) the part where you’ll only date members of the same gender  
TT: (1) right?   
AU: What? No.  
AU: I mean, Charlie, yes.  
AU: But that’s not  
AU: I mean  
AU: Not that I’m making any assumptions about Jo, I guess, it’s just  
AU: Look, Dean only likes girls, okay?  
TT: (1) slaughterhouseSixtyseven?  
TT: (1) really?  
AU: Yeah. Why? Why are you so sceptical?  
TT: (1) huh  
TT: (1) guess all those times i caught him cybering with thursdaysChild really WERE just teambuilding exercises about fraternal bonding  
TT: (1) human culture sure is weird  
AU: Okay, you’re getting blocked now.   
TT: (1) huh?  
TT: (1) whaddisay? 

apollyonUnbound [AU] has blocked torricellisTrumpet [TT].

\-->

Hours in the future (but not many)…

apollyonUnbound [AU] started pestering torricellisTrumpet [TT].

AU: Hey, TT.  
AU: You there?  
AU: I want you to check out your weird, stalkery viewport right now.  
AU: And tell me.  
AU: What is wrong with this picture.  
AU: … TT?  
AU: “(1) Gee, I dunno, Sam. I find it difficult to answer PERFECTLY VALID QUESTIONS with any degree of seriousness, because I’m usually too busy unleashing torrents of crappy jokes at your expense.”  
AU: “(1) In fact, by now, I’m probably so busy marvelling at my own word-per-minute ratio that I’ve forgotten the original question. You were saying something, right?”  
AU: Why yes, TT. Vaguely articulate noises are coming out of my human mouth that roughly correspond to the letter combinations I am currently typing with my human hands.  
AU: You might have missed this, being as you were a little preoccupied with being a complete douche.  
AU: “(1) Fair point, Sam. My general douchiness does tend to get in the way of communication.”  
AU: That’s okay, TT. I understand this, and accept it as the logical extension of your personality.  
AU: “(1) Thank you, Sam. I appreciate that. Now, you were asking me a question?”  
AU: Why yes, TT, I was. Tell me: what is wrong with this picture?  
AU: “(1) Well, Sam, it looks like you’re currently suspended in a giant bowl of soup, surrounded by baby crocodiles doing weird, ritualistic dances with leeks. Also, you have carrot chunks in your hair.”  
AU: Wow, TT. That’s actually pretty accurate!  
AU: I’m impressed.  
AU: In fact, I’m so impressed I’m going to move onto a follow-up question!  
AU: Let’s try this: do you have any idea WHY there are so many things that are wrong with this picture? 

torricellisTrumpet [TT] says unto apollyonUnbound [AU]!  
TT: (1) so, like, do you actually need my input here  
TT: (1) or would i just be a third wheel  
AU: Depends. Want to take a stab at the question?  
TT: (1) i’m gonna take a wild guess  
TT: (1) and say that you failed to follow my one and only instruction   
AU: Wait.  
AU: You mean your one and only instruction besides all the other instructions you spent about half an hour carefully detailing?   
TT: (1) i mean my ONE and ONLY instruction, sam  
TT: (1) which was  
TT: (1) to play your role  
AU: Oh.  
AU: Yeah. That.  
AU: You know, I tried, but I couldn’t actually think of an application for that.  
AU: I mean, it basically made no sense.   
TT: (1) and that  
TT: (1) is exactly  
TT: (1) why you are currently waist deep in vegetable bisque  
AU: Not true.  
AU: The reason why I’m presently marinating in a broth jacuzzi,  
AU: Is because you put me up to it.  
TT: (1) wow, did someone sling in some SOUR GRAPES along with all that seasoning?  
TT: (1) your immediate ontological status as a vast, bipedal stock cube in the world’s widest potage vat  
TT: (1) is pretty much entirely attributable to you being the WORST ACTOR EVER  
AU: Well, I reckon the fact that, right now, I am seconds away from hurtling down the gullet of a bunch of gyrating amphibians as gourmet hu-minestrone,  
AU: is unequivocally on YOU.   
TT: (1) cut the consommé crap, kid  
TT: (1) you’re not getting out of this one that easily  
AU: Ix-nay on the gumbo baloney, would you say?  
TT: (1) yeah, and i’m not buying any of that bouillabaisse bunkum  
AU: Okay, STOP.  
AU: I forget what we were actually trying to achieve here.  
TT: (1) you  
TT: (1) were inexpertly trying to toady up to the consorts  
TT: (1) by taking part in some of their lesser known cultural rituals  
TT: (1) a plan which  
TT: (1) through no fault of my own  
TT: (1) resulted in you treading goulash over an open fire  
AU: Right.  
AU: Okay, as fun as this has been, my toes are starting to burn.  
AU: I’m getting the hell out of here.   
TT: (1) can’t exactly fault that reasoning  
TT: (1) hey sam  
TT: (1) can i ask you something  
AU: No.  
TT: (1) did any of my brothers or sisters ever contact you  
TT: (1) like, after we scrapped the trolling strategy and started helping you instead  
AU: ‘Helping’.  
TT: (1) what the fuck ever  
TT: (666) like, has lucifer tried to get in touch  
TT: (1) has ruby  
AU: Well, they didn’t exactly hit on the winning combination of killing my brother and attempting to sabotage our session, so I guess I wasn’t that impressed.  
AU: Lucifer tried to talk to me once.  
AU: Seemed to think that we were some kind of fated, everlasting… something.  
AU: Destined forever to… stuff.  
AU: I blocked him.  
TT: (1) no kidding  
AU: Wow.  
AU: And here we go.  
AU: I don’t suppose this could be the conversation that DOESN’T degenerate into gratuitous whining about your weird family hangups?   
TT: (1) hmmph  
TT: (1) like your life isn’t basically one gigantic family hangup  
TT: (1) if it isn’t bitter yet poignant asides about your comedically neglectful human ‘father’ figure  
TT: (1) then you’re haranguing me about the latest tragically dumb thing your ecto-sibling has managed to perpetrate  
AU: Yeah, well.  
AU: Why don’t we both just agree to keep the family stuff to a minimum.  
AU: Try talking about something else, you know?  
TT: (1) yeah  
TT: (1) i kinda liked it better when we were talking about soup  
AU: Uh, hold that thought.  
AU: I’m being pestered.   
TT: (1) wow  
TT: (1) not that i’m feeling ditched all of a sudden or anything  
TT: (1) who gets priority over ME?  
AU: Uh.  
AU: Just Dean.  
AU: Gtg. 

apollyonUnbound [AU] stopped pestering torricellisTrumpet [TT].

proteanMasque [PM] started haunting apollyonUnbound [AU]!

PM: yo apollyodouche  
PM: sam  
PM: you theRe sam  
PM: come on this can’t wait  
PM: i Run a tight schedule heRe  
PM: sam  
PM: you aRe making a mockeRy of my schedule  
AU: Oh, hey there, Ruby.  
AU: Sorry about that.  
AU: Got a little tied up with TT.   
PM: wow i do not wanna know  
AU: Jerk.  
PM: meathead  
PM: so  
PM: did you tRy doing what i showed you  
PM: have you established contact with the eldeR gods  
AU: Yeah, I can hear them whispering to me when I sleep.  
AU: Turns out all I had to do was look at the sky, and there they were.  
AU: Kind of unnerving, actually.  
AU: Turns out Charlie got in touch with them earlier, although she didn’t realize at first.  
AU: She thinks there might be a way to salvage our session.  
AU: Something to do with… giving the game cancer?  
AU: Yeah, I don’t even know.   
PM: that’s gReat sam  
PM: but i don’t think you get it  
PM: you can do so much moRe  
PM: you’Re a space player with access to the fuRthest Ring  
PM: hell, even i’m intimidated!  
PM: all you need to do  
PM: is listen to me  
PM: one deRsite to anotheR  
AU: Okay, I’m officially intrigued.  
PM: sam  
PM: do you believe in magic  
AU: … No.  
PM: seRiously??  
PM: okay this might take some time

\-->

torricellisTrumpet [TT] says unto apollyonUnbound [AU]!

TT: (1) sam  
TT: (1) what the actual fuck  
AU: Oh. Hey there, TT.   
TT: (1) did you just  
TT: (1) blow up the first gate??  
TT: (1) because it sure as hell looks like that is what you just did  
TT: (1) but i’m willing to reserve judgment  
TT: (1) on the basis that that would be a phenomenally stupid thing to do  
AU: Sorry.  
AU: You’re not wrong.  
TT: (1) you seriously thought that me being wrong was a possibility??  
AU: Never.  
AU: Did you want something?  
TT: (1) uh, YEAH, i want something!  
TT: (1) i want to know what the cartwheeling crap is going on!  
TT: (1) like, why are you randomly gouging chunks out of lobas?  
TT: (1) that would be a good start  
AU: You said it yourself.  
AU: Our session is doomed.  
AU: If we can’t smash our way out from the inside, might as well start chewing the scenery.  
TT: (1) holy shit kid  
TT: (1) are those wands?  
TT: (1) where the hell did you get those things??  
TT: (1) more to the point, why would you even bother with those things??  
TT: (1) MAGIC ISN’T REAL, DUMBASS  
AU: Sure.  
AU: But right now, right here, is there really a difference?  
TT: (1) look, sam, i get that you’re frustrated  
TT: (1) honest to god, i feel for you, kid  
TT: (1) but if you actually think this is remotely productive  
TT: (1) then you are even more deluded than i first thought  
AU: Hey.  
AU: Relax already.  
AU: This isn’t your fight.  
TT: (1) the hell it isn’t!  
AU: Why do you care so much either way?  
AU: It’s the same to you whether we win or lose, so out of all times, why choose now to get mad?  
TT: (1) you know what?  
TT: (1) maybe i don’t care  
TT: (1) maybe i’m completely indifferent to your spontaneous demonstrations of fail  
TT: (1) i’m not gonna pretend to like this, sam  
TT: (1) but i’m not gonna waste any more breath persuading you to stop being stupid  
AU: Okay, good.  
AU: Because I have some questions for you to waste your breath on instead.  
TT: (1) against my better judgement, i’ll bite  
TT: (1) ask away, hotshot  
AU: Do angels have names?  
TT: (1) um  
TT: (1) no duh, sam  
TT: (1) you’ve heard me mention literally all of my siblings by name  
TT: (1) i’m thinking that one’s pretty self-evident  
AU: Screw you.  
AU: That was supposed to be a less-than-elegant way of asking for YOUR name, asswipe.  
TT: (1) yeah, no shit  
TT: (1) well you guessed it already, sam, my name is actually asswipe  
TT: (1) guess that means we’re done here!  
AU: Jesus, TT.  
TT: (1) FINE  
TT: (1) gabriel, okay?  
TT: (1) they call me gabriel  
AU: Huh.  
AU: Lucifer, Michael, Raphael and Gabriel.  
AU: Can’t say I didn’t see that one coming.  
TT: (1) then why ask?  
AU: Just curious, I guess.

apollyonUnbound [AU] stopped pestering torricellisTrumpet [TT].

TT: (1) yeah, well your FACE is  
TT: (1) dammit  
TT: (1) screw you, winchester!

\-->

torricellisTrumpet [TT] says unto apollyonUnbound [AU]!

TT: (1) sam  
TT: (1) sam for the love of all that is reasonable, sane and psychologically healthy  
TT: (1) turn your back on the goddamn body  
AU: Hey, Gabriel. Here’s a thought.  
AU: Why don’t you go screw yourself?  
AU: Or, hell, you can go back to stupid pissing contests with your brothers, I honestly don’t care.  
AU: Just back the fuck off.  
AU: I need a moment, okay?  
TT: (1) this wasn’t your fault, kiddo  
AU: I should have looked harder for him.  
AU: Why didn’t I look harder?  
TT: (1) nothing you could have done, sam  
TT: (1) you don’t have the juice to tackle azazel  
AU: For some reason, even after everything I did to get away, I never stopped believing I’d turn into him.  
AU: So I did everything I could not to let it happen.  
AU: And when it did happen, I told myself it wasn’t me. Just another few interludes in the life of someone else.  
TT: (1) you gonna get moving, hotshot, or you gonna monologue?  
TT: (1) cause one way or another, you’re gonna have to face facts  
TT: (1) take it from me  
TT: (1) there are a LOT of things i blame you for, sam winchester, but your dad’s death isn’t one of em  
TT: (1) it’s part and parcel of the game  
TT: (1) it’s a chunk of narrative inevitability in the shrink-wrapped epic that is your journey as hero  
TT: (1) doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt  
TT: (1) but, overlarge as they may be, it’s out of your hands  
AU: I need to take back control.  
AU: Fuck Charlie’s plan.  
AU: I’m going to take down Azazel myself. Directly.  
AU: I have to talk to Ruby.  
TT: (?) who the WHAT now?  
TT: (?!) you’ve actually been TALKING to that treacherous cockroach??  
AU: I’ll catch you later, Gabriel, I promise.  
TT: (!) no you won’t!!  
TT: (!) after this, the screen goes black, and there’s no response, and i don’t know what to DO after this!  
TT: (!!) SAM!

apollyonUnbound [AU] stopped pestering torricellisTrumpet [TT].

TT: (1) ASDFGHJKGOEKOKV,PELL;.A  
TT: (1) … that was weirdly therapeutic

\-->

naturalTwenty [NT] began pestering apollyonUnbound [AU].

NT: sam!  
NT: ohmygosh, i just saw what happened  
NT: i am so sorry :(  
NT: sam?  
NT: please say something  
NT: you’re making me nervous  
AU: Hey, Charlie.  
AU: It’s okay.  
AU: We’re gonna fix this.  
AU: Or, I am.  
AU: I’m going to kill Azazel, and then everything will be over.  
NT: whoa there  
NT: okay, i am sensing some seriously poor decision making vibes from over here  
NT: sam, trying to take on azazel now is like  
NT: trying to take out the league champion with a team full of magikarp!  
AU: I appreciate the vote of confidence.  
AU: Or, I would if I actually understood what you were saying.  
NT: level FIVE magikarp, sam!!  
AU: What have we got to lose?  
AU: If I die, we go ahead with the Scratch, and it’ll never have happened.  
AU: Simple.  
NT: we have no idea whether that’ll be the case  
NT: you’re risking way too much on the basis of being completely pissed off, and it is REALLY FRUSTRATING!  
NT: sam, trust me on this one  
NT: bad idea  
NT: bad goddamn idea!!  
AU: It might be.  
AU: But maybe it’s our best shot.

proteanMasque [PM] started haunting apollyonUnbound [AU] and naturalTwenty [NT]!  
PM: hey guys  
NT: gah, what just happened?!  
PM: Relax  
PM: it’s just me  
NT: this is a private chat  
NT: how’d you manage to hack your way in?  
PM: honey  
PM: ouR technology is light yeaRs beyond youRs  
PM: just woRk with it  
NT: huh  
NT: neat  
NT: wait  
NT: not neat!  
NT: not neat at all!  
NT: why are you here?  
PM: to offeR a sense of peRspective i guess  
PM: and also  
PM: to let you know exactly what the stakes aRe heRe  
AU: We’re listening.  
PM: chaRlie, you know that the gods of the fuRthest Ring aRe volatile  
PM: sam  
PM: both of you actually  
PM: have the potential to wield pRetty extRaoRdinaRy amounts of poweR  
PM: lucifeR thinks he can beat azazel  
PM: but although he might be god tieR  
PM: my money’s still on you  
PM: basically  
PM: it’s a question of contRol  
AU: I have control.  
AU: You’ve seen what I can do.  
PM: simmeR down, champ, you’Re nowheRe neaR the big leagues yet  
NT: sam, you don’t even know where all this power comes from!  
NT: everything we’ve heard so far sounds about seventy kinds of ominous  
NT: who says we can even trust these gods?  
PM: obviously we can’t  
PM: we can only take a calculated Risk  
AU: A risk I’m fully prepared to take, for the goddamn record!  
PM: yeah we’Re getting that  
PM: but  
PM: theRe aRe fuRther souRces of infoRmation available  
AU: Spit it out, Ruby.  
PM: the cue ball, moRon  
PM: chaRlie’s cue ball  
PM: she sent you the code Right  
AU: Yeah.  
PM: so ask them  
PM: whetheR oR not we can tRust the gods on this one  
NT: i still don’t like this  
PM: seems pRetty Risk fRee to me  
AU: Ruby’s right.  
AU: Let’s do this.

Sam: Ask.

\-->

You ask. 

It is not precisely Risk fRee.

\-->

Sam: Go grimdark

You proceed to go grimdark, with little hesitation and great aplomb. Back on the meteor, and the Land of Ice and Silver, your friends look on in dismay as you cease to respond to their typed entreaties.  
It is patently obvious to any and all onlookers that you have completely and irrevocably lost the plot. In addition to the narrative departures, the clumsily placed and obtrusively Freudian dream sequences, a vast hunk of the symbolism, and the romantic side-story to boot. 

You have basically lost everything. 

Everything, that is, except your all-consuming, logic-confounding yen for revenge. 

Sam: Resist the urge to slice Azazel into his component parts.

You fail to resist the urge.

\-->

torricellisTrumpet [TT] says unto proteanMasque [PM]!

TT: (1) what did you do  
PM: gabRiel what the hell  
TT: (1) no games  
TT: (1) believe me when i say i do not have time for any of your bullshit pm  
TT: (1) now tell me  
TT: (1) what  
TT: (1) did you  
TT: (1) do  
PM: i did nothing!  
PM: if this is about sam, i sweaR, i don’t know what happened  
PM: the viewpoRt just blacked out  
PM: gabRiel, please, can we not  
PM: not Right now  
TT: (1) oh, okay!  
TT: (1) you wanna POSTPONE the part where you turn out to be a complete backstabbing witch?  
TT: (1) sure thing, ruby  
TT: (1) we can do that  
PM: you weRe the one who tuRned this into a competition, gabe  
PM: we could have helped him togetheR  
PM: but instead you waRned him not to talk to me?  
PM: guess what, gabRiel?  
PM: congRatulations!  
PM: you finally got youRself youR competition!  
TT: (1) oh my god, what  
PM: when will you get that we aRe ON THE SAME GODDAMN SIDE??  
TT: (1) tchyeah  
TT: (1) sure seems like it, wouldn’t you say?  
PM: uRgh just shut UP!  
PM: gabRiel i don’t know what to do  
PM: sam’s gone haywiRe in pRetty much eveRy way possible  
PM: and lucifeR killed lilith and now he’s gone to fight azazel and theRe’s nothing i can DO to fix this  
TT: (1) whoa, rewind  
TT: (666) lucifer killed who?  
TT: (1) look, i’ll be the first to admit my brother’s a total whackjob, but friendly fire ain’t exactly his style  
PM: i was Right theRe gabRiel  
PM: the woRst thing  
PM: is it’s exactly what she pRedicted  
PM: back when she’d subject us to those pRotRacted spiels about destiny and all that hoRseshit  
PM: i just thought it was the usual melodRamatic attention seeking deal  
PM: guess she was a heckuva lot saneR than we eveR thought  
PM: gabRiel this is Really fReaking me out  
TT: (1) oh god  
TT: (1) oh god oh god oh god  
TT: (1) okay  
TT: (1) okay where are you now  
PM: i’m in the main lab  
TT: (1) i’m coming there now  
TT: (1) just hold on a minute and i’ll  
TT: (1) waitasec  
PM: no hold on  
PM: gabe  
PM: shit’s sake gabRiel answeR me

torricellisTrumpet [TT] has gone idle!

PM: dammit!  
PM: look i can’t stay heRe  
PM: theRe aRe only like a gazillion dooRs leading labways  
PM: plus i’m not too keen on shaRing the same aiR as lilith’s putRifying coRpse  
PM: basically  
PM: i’m out of heRe  
PM: gabRiel, if you get this, i’m heading foR the Roof 

\-->

torricellisTrumpet [TT] says unto apollyonUnbound [AU]!

TT: (1) hey there sam  
TT: (1) s’me  
TT: (1) so, i’m not sure if this message is even gonna get through  
TT: (1) anna has word from jo that azazel skewered you like one of those little cheese and pickle onion sticks you sometimes get at parties  
TT: (1) do humans even have those?  
TT: (1) wow, that one’s a mindfuck  
TT: (1) but, anyway, i take it you woke up on derse  
TT: (1) so i guess, all things considered, no harm done  
TT: (1) and, also, whilst we’re in the business of considering things in a broader and more inclusive sense than usual  
TT: (1) i maybe definitely shouldn’t have blown up at ruby  
TT: (1) probably, that is  
TT: (1) being as it’s not like she got you permanently killed or anything  
TT: (1) in fairness, she was pretty freaking miffed about the whole deal  
TT: (1) though that might have been something to do with tripping over the leaky corpse of her bff a few minutes prior to said revelation  
TT: (1) either way, i actually feel kinda bad about that one  
TT: (1) i guess she was right, i’m not all that great at backing the appropriate people  
TT: (1) i mean, you’d think you know where you are with siblings, but then they turn around and perforate innocent compatriots, and you realise your lifelong, instinctual faith in them might have been a tad bit misplaced  
TT: (1) and it really starts to shake up a few convictions, yknow?  
TT: (1) argh  
TT: (1) not the point  
TT: (1) the point is i’m kinda colossally screwed here sam  
TT: (1) i’m just  
TT: (1) cowering, for want of a less accurate word  
TT: (1) yep, cowering in the lab, waiting for him to just find me and get it over with, and i swear to god, this whole thing is driving me slowly insane  
TT: (1) to be straight with you, kiddo, i don’t think i’m gonna make it out of this one  
TT: (1) which is a shame, i guess  
TT: (1) i mean, not just a shame in terms of all the arbitrary homicide  
TT: (1) fratricide, even!  
TT: (1) although  
TT: (1) that too  
TT: (1) but more of a shame in that  
TT: (1) eh, the hell have i got left to lose  
TT: (1) so i was thinking  
TT: (1) on the off-chance that everything trundles along according to plan on your end, you know, scratch-wise  
TT: (1) and assuming by some miracle i make it out of this one some approximation of alive  
TT: (1) i was thinking maybe we could hang out  
TT: (1) maybe go on a date  
TT: (1) what do you reckon?  
TT: (1) like, a human date  
TT: (1) none of that heavy romantic-predestination angel type stuff, not if you don’t want to  
TT: (1) but yeah  
TT: (1) i dunno, call me crazy, but i think it might actually be fun  
TT: (1) heh  
TT: (1) wow, here i am, bending your virtual ear over all this hypothetical shit when, odds are, you won’t even read this  
TT: (1) hey, sam, you know what was hilarious?  
TT: (1) watching you prance about like a twit with your fake wizardy wands  
TT: (1) that was FREAKING hilarious  
TT: (1) i can say that now, because you’re not gonna read this  
TT: (1) and you know what else was hilarious?  
TT: (1) back when i was killing your brother, over and over again, and you just kept sending me endless messages  
TT: (2) like, ‘STOP KILLING MY BROTHER’  
TT: (2) ‘SERIOUSLY, DUDE, STOP IT ALREADY’  
TT: (2) ‘NO, REALLY, I MEAN IT’  
TT: (1) ahahaha, okay, i’m sorry, but it was pretty goddamn sidesplitting, all told  
TT: (1) once again, i can say this because you’re not reading anything i’m putting here  
TT: (1) also, i talked it over with both dean and charlie, and guess what?  
TT: (1) they agree, it was totally funny  
TT: (1) so you can feel free to forgive me, is all i’m saying  
TT: (1) sam  
TT: (1) if you get the chance  
TT: (1) tell mike and raph that i’m sorry  
TT: (1) also  
TT: (1) tell ruby no hard feelings, kay?  
TT: (1) i get the feeling she’d appreciate it  
TT: (666) and lucifer  
TT: (666) ah, screw it, the hell would lucifer want to hear from me  
TT: (1) okay, i’m done  
TT: (1) time to go face the music, i guess  
TT: (1) spit in the face of probable death with a bit of panache, and all that classical jazz  
TT: (1) i’ll catch you later, sam  
TT: (1) just know this  
TT: (1) it was worth every minute, okay?

torricellisTrumpet [TT] has gone offline!

\-->

Hours in the future (this time a decent amount, all things considered)…

The light-show has subsided. You and Charlie emerge from the core of the Green Sun, shaken, but immortal enough to compensate. You allow Anna to steer you towards the meteor, where a thick cluster of angels and demons blink up at you in shellshocked perplexity. Some of them, you could probably recognise. Ruby, you’re relieved to note, is definitely present – as are Castiel and Balthazar.

One of them steps away from the throng. He’s looking directly at you. 

If you’re wrong about this, things could get pretty painful. But you’re fairly sure you’re not wrong. 

Sam: Numbly regard the miracle of an unlikely resurrection.

SAM: Uh.  
SAM: So, hey, would you look at that, you’re alive.  
GABRIEL: (1) yeah  
GABRIEL: (1) funny how these things pan out  
GABRIEL: (1) hey and  
GABRIEL: (1) you’re not possessed by the elder gods  
SAM: Yeah.  
SAM: Funny, that.  
SAM: I could tell you all about it if you really wanted, but it’s not exactly gripping, as far as stories go.  
SAM: Mostly just a lot of dying in places, and waking up in other places.  
SAM: Except for the part where I’m apparently god tier now, game patented black pantaloon-pajamas and all.  
SAM: Come to think of it, that basically just meant dying in one place and waking up in another, too.  
SAM: Gah.  
SAM: Quick, tell me something interesting.  
GABRIEL: (666) so, uh, lucifer’s not homicidal any more  
GABRIEL: (1) or well  
GABRIEL: (1) not raging lunatic homicidal  
GABRIEL: (1) more like  
GABRIEL: (1) serenely dormant knife-nut homicidal?  
SAM: Yeah, I, uh, noticed.  
SAM: How’d you pull that one off, anyway?  
GABRIEL: (1) okay, as cute as it is that you haven’t yet worked this one out  
GABRIEL: (1) i’m not actually the grand chessmaster behind every quirky move and zany scheme hatched out in this place  
GABRIEL: (1) i played out most of that particular party alone in the lab  
SAM: Hah. Yes. The cowering.  
SAM: Actually, you, plural, is what I meant.  
SAM: You’re just the only one willing enough to sit still and exposit.  
SAM: For reasons I’ve yet to figure.  
GABRIEL: (1) funny  
GABRIEL: (1) right  
GABRIEL: (1) well that was mostly down to michael  
GABRIEL: (1) exclusively down to michael, if we’re talking specifics  
GABRIEL: (1) who knew that this whole murderous extravaganza could have been sidestepped with the institution of a single cooldown hug?  
GABRIEL: (1) not me, that’s for sure  
SAM: Yeah, uh, they do both look – busy. Right at the moment.  
SAM: Wow. Thinking about it, this is a little awkward.  
GABRIEL: (1) tch, suck it up, you big, squeamish lump  
GABRIEL: (1) never seen two idiots suck face, or something?  
GABRIEL: (1) you want awkward  
GABRIEL: (1) try my entire freaking childhood  
SAM: Yeah, I’m thinking I’d rather not, actually.  
GABRIEL: (1) i am so with you on that one you don’t even know  
SAM: Right.  
GABRIEL: (1) yeah  
SAM: So, about that message.  
GABRIEL: (1) sam  
GABRIEL: (1) save it  
GABRIEL: (1) we both know i said some things back there that embarrassed us both  
GABRIEL: (1) but you gotta cut me at least some slack  
GABRIEL: (1) give me a little near-death dispensation already  
SAM: Oh my god.  
GABRIEL: (1) what??  
SAM: You are not just going to back out of this, are you?  
SAM: I mean, seriously?  
SAM: After everything, we’re just going to backtrack again?  
SAM: Turn this into some kind of parade of lame excuses, like we do everything else?  
GABRIEL: (1) sam  
SAM: No, cut the evasive crap already.  
SAM: Gabriel, we are going on this date if I have to drag you.  
GABRIEL: (1) uh  
SAM: Wait, shit.  
SAM: That wasn’t supposed to sound -  
SAM: I mean, obviously, if you’ve changed your mind, you don’t have to -  
GABRIEL: (1) sam  
SAM: Dammit, what am I even saying, you clearly never meant it in the first place.  
SAM: Look, I’m not about to hold you to something you obviously only said under duress as a heat of the moment sort of thing.  
SAM: Just, just ignore me, okay.  
SAM: You’re right, let’s just forget either of us ever said anything.  
GABRIEL: (1) SAM  
SAM: Ah – hmm?  
GABRIEL: (1) you are dragging me on this goddamn date  
GABRIEL: (1) if i have to force you to drag me  
SAM: … Oh. _Oh_.  
SAM: You know, I think, for once, we might actually be on the same page here.  
GABRIEL: (1) i’m beginning to think that  
RUBY: yeesh, okay, we get it alReady guys  
RUBY: you’Re fReaking adoRable  
RUBY: now would you quit it alReady?  
CHARLIE: yeah, sam, we kinda need you to help kickstart this roadtrip already!  
CHARLIE: vast wedges of immoveable spacerock don’t just propel themselves

Prince of Space: kickstart this roadtrip already

If they insist. With a quick grin at your friends, and a quicker, contented glance back at Gabriel, you comply. 

**Author's Note:**

> Merry Christmas, Kaylie! Never let it be said that I'm loath to overburden you with ludicrous amounts to read.


End file.
